perhaps she understood
by omfg it's sophie
Summary: [the relationship between remus lupin & nymphadora tonks is complicated.] against all my beliefs, i've found myself converting to remustonks. except, however, my views are different to others, so far.


**A/N DEATHLY HALLOWS SPOILERS!!!**

**my explanation on remus/tonks. **

I don't think I ever really loved her. Of course, I married her, so I must have done, but I never loved her like she loved me. She wanted to marry me, she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and, at the time, so did I. I would go to the ends of the earth for her, like she would me, I would dedicate my life to her, I would do the most I could to fulfill any task she set me. And yet, the ways in which we felt for each other were different. Everything I would do for her, I would do for a close friend. The only difference, I suppose, were the physical things, and yet...

The difference was that I _needed_ her. Not in the way she needed me, not that I needed her to live, not that she was my life. Not that she _wasn't_, of course, but still, I could go on without her, like I had so many times. But I had been lonely. I had lost everyone around me and was determined not to grow close to anybody else so I wouldn't lose again. Still, however, I needed someone.

I don't doubt she loved me – I know she did. She loved me in the way that you see an old married couple holding hands as they walk down the high street. She loved me with the passion a newly married couple have, except all the time. I know she loved me, and I think that is why I clung onto her. Because I needed somebody to love me, I needed somebody.

Everyone around me who said they accepted who I was, just left it at that. _Acceptance_. And that's brilliant, I'm incredibly grateful for that. And yet, she tried to take it further. She tried to _understand_ and she talked to me. I could, finally, after all these years, talk to somebody about the situation I was in. I could just talk for hours, and she would listen. Normally it was me who listened, but, after listening for so long, I finally needed to talk, and she listened. For a long time, I convinced myself she did understand, even though some part of me knew that she never really _could_, no matter how much she wanted to, nor how much I wanted her to. But she tried, and I needed somebody to do that.

I should never have married her, though, and I knew that. I didn't want to know that, but I was so caught up with somebody finally... somebody finally loving me. I think she knew it, as well, but, as I said, she loved me. I realised this after I married her, when she told me that she was pregnant. How selfish must I be to have to bring a new child into the world in order to be brought to my senses? I hated myself, began to try and distance myself again. She was distraught and told me that I was ridiculous.

When I went to find Harry, it was because I needed to get away. But also, it was because I had to _do _something. I think I have always had to do something – I could hardly have sat there and done nothing while the man who was responsible for the deaths of all my friends walked free. I understood, then, how Sirius was so frustrated with his position. Obviously, I had wanted revenge before, but now the man who had come back to me after all these years had been taken from me, and I was livid. Harry, however, told me what I needed to be told. Even if my child was going to be like me, no matter what he was like, I had to stick to him. And I tried, after that. I went back, not so much for her, but for my child.

Towards the end, however, I had to fight. The urge came back to me, and I needed to do it. I _knew _that I had to, even if I didn't want to, even if my son would be left behind. Because it was better to leave him behind doing the right thing, than by running away. Although the difference between the two isn't painfully obvious at first, there is one there.

And so I made Harry godfather. She didn't argue, perhaps she understood. I knew that, towards the end, she would have to fight as well. I also had full confidence that Harry would survive, and full confidence that he would do a better job at godfather than Sirius had done, because he _knew_. We both knew, in some sort of twisted way, that we weren't going to make it through the war. We never discussed it, but we both knew it, and we both were aware that we both knew it. I think that was what mattered.

And still, I didn't love her as she did me. She came to fight because she knew that I was, and I respected that. I didn't love her like she loved me, but I loved her in a different way and I think that still counted. Although I wasn't the ideal husband, she still loved me, and I needed somebody like that. And because I needed her, I convinced myself I loved her like she loved me. All the time, though, I don't think I needed to have convinced myself of that, because, all along, I loved her in a different sort of way. I loved her because I needed her, because she, forgive me, bothered.

I think she knew this, all along, and yet she was hoping that I may change my mind. I think it was okay with her, though, if I didn't, because I still loved her, even if it wasn't in the way that she would have liked me to.


End file.
